Procedural dramas

I don’t even know what to say that this quote from Criminal Minds doesn’t say already, “Scars remind us where we’ve been. They don’t have to dictate where we’re going.”

The horror I still feel so distinctly remembering X, Y, Z times. The ignominy of being (deservedly) nicknamed “Ralphie” in college. The fear of being so distinctly responsible for the physical welfare of my best friend (sister) and my mother. There are several things which, along the way, have left physical scars. Not all these things were self inflicted (some were). But what I’m trying to remind myself is that where I’ve been, what I’ve seen, what I’ve felt, doesn’t have to be where I’m going, what I’ll see, what I’ll feel.

This is one of the hardest aspects of mental healing for me. There’s a point where I don’t think there’s a thing that can be done to make up for what I’ve done, what I’ve not done. A major part of me doesn’t know if I will ever believe there’s a thing that can be done to make up for what I’ve done, what I’ve not done, yet the people in my life – both old and new – keep insisting I try. They’re insistent it’s a heck of a journey. It’s a heck of a hard journey. But they’re also insistent in the end it’ll be worth it. It’s still hard for them, but they still put in the work and are grateful for that work’s outcome.

So inspiring of my gratitude is that even when these people in my life, whether new or old, feel they’re not doing enough they keep on doing. It may seem trite, but they live “Keep coming back ‘cuz it works if you work it.” This is enough to have me at least trying. If I don’t try, I’ll get nothing; I’ll be nothing, I’ll be nowhere. I have to at least try. For now it may be trying for my loved ones, but I have to believe that someday it’ll be trying for me, too.

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