2019 so far…

So far this year has been…well…a shit show.

I got let go from a job I’d held for several years. Because of “attendance issues” despite routinely working forty hours of overtime most pay periods.

I’m currently without insurance. Currently with a much smaller income.

Currently so much closer to the deep end of mental health afflictions and alcoholism. I’m sick of managing to eek by with only help from my family and friends.

My thing is that I understand helping people whenever/wherever possible, but I just don’t get myself being worth the help.

I’m over being alive for this. Today isn’t so close to the end as yesterday was, but the thoughts still are racing through my mind.

This is what I don’t think people without major depression don’t get. Even when things seem to be rosy? They’re not. And there’s still a beast waiting in the wings ready to co-opt your world and completely overturn it.

I have friends willing to pull me from the muck. I have family willing to provide financial assistance. Yet still the beast lingers in the background waiting for a chink in my armor so that I’m completely thrown to the metaphoric wolves. When that happens I’m completely unprepared. I’m left thinking about ways I can escape whatever the current debacle is. It’s rarely something healthy and far more often something that could prove fatal if done without focus – drinking, cutting, medications I’m prescribed.

What metaphorically slays me is that it comes without warning. There’s no firm heads up the downswing is en route.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of everything.

But I’ve told the internet so I’ll probably get through this, too, eh?

Ugh.

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