Settling

I have thought long and hard about this post over the past three weeks. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write if anything. Then it became part of my treatment plan. 

Treatment plan? “What’s that?” You might find yourself wondering. Well. It’s what you and a counselor come up with when one is in an outpatient therapy program. 

About a month ago I found myself ideating to a dangerous level. (For those unaware ideations are moments of suicidaliry.) This was bad enough that my support system was going to call the police on me. So I saved them some minutes and took myself to the ER. I was joined by my brother because my family is amazing. 

This all led to a leave of absence from work and two weeks of what a friend calls, “Adult day care.” We spend a few hours talking about our feelings, what we’re doing to cope with our feelings, what we’re doing to get beyond survival and into living. There’re are also times we sit and chat with a psychiatrist about our medication combos – what is and isn’t working. 

There’s a lot of talking done in this program. 

I don’t know whether where I’m at is because I’m growing or because I’m settling. Today I’m going to settle for settling. Settling is light years beyond where I was last month. I’m at the point I’m almost okay with that.