Today someone expressed exactly what I feel about everything. I recognize the person who hid all their feelings. The person who did their best to help everyone else in lieu of helping themselves. I don’t recognize this person trying to help themselves. I’m scared witless of that person. Going to meetings and writing and talking are all things I need to do for myself, but recognizing as such doesn’t mean it’s not scary as heck.
I don’t recognize myself as someone worth doing anything for. You in that corner I know is worth saving. You over in the other corner I know is worth saving, but I don’t recognize the same in myself. And this isn’t an “Oh woe is me. Build me up buttercup,” post this is a, “Recognizing I’m someone worth saving is a completely foreign concept to me” post. I mean, I know I’m not a horrible person, but that doesn’t mean I think I’m a worthy person.
This is something I’m trying to not linger on. I’m trying to think I’m worthy of people’s love and support. It’s a battle every damn day, but it’s a battle I’m trying to fight. Some times it’s a more successful battle than others, but I’m still trying.
Trying is more than I’ve done in the past. So much of my life has been focused on getting by. Today I’m trying. And it’s terrifying.