Optimism is one of the scariest things in the world. And I’m not saying I’m feeling particularly optimistic right now, but I’m not feeling particularly pessimistic either. It’s like when I made the transition from not dead to undead to that one time I said alive. When one spends so much time buried in one’s own heart and head it’s difficult to be in a place where one believes not just that one’s undead, but one’s alive. I’m continuing this path and thinking more often that I’ll be okay. And that’s terrifying. I’m not used to it. People who know keep telling me I’ll get used to it at some point, but right now that doesn’t seem remotely possible and doesn’t not scare the crap out of me.
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mydarkestplaces 
With time, these rather dramatic waves of highs and lows will smooth out. I used to be the penultimate pessimist. With time and work I’ve grown to see positives in even difficult situations when I can let go of my will. I spent a lot of time beating myself up mentally, and occasionally physically before reaching the bottom I needed to turn my will and my life over. I occasionally look back at my sobriety diary to remind myself just how sick I was. I used to let fear rule my choices. My natural instincts ran wild. It’s okay to be afraid, but take comfort in knowing that you are making healthy choices already. You are trudging the happy road. Read the 12 promises some time. I used to think they were a crock until I had a very powerful psychic change. I forgave my resentments and found peace.
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I’ll at least carry the 12 and 12 with me, how ’bout that? lol
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Every journey begins with a single step forward. 🙂
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