One of the amazing things about this 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous is that the very first step is admitting one is powerless over alcohol. I’ve, obviously, landed there. In a big way. But what no one tells you going into it is just how much literature there is that says, ‘Sure you’re admitting that YOU are powerless over alcohol, but once you cross over that threshold the first time you’ll no longer be powerless alone.”
This is what, over the past couple months, has kept me tethered. It’s no longer enough to just be a dry drunk. Because, yes, I could have continued down the never ending path of not drinking much as I have for the past two-ish years. It’s like I wrote to my sponsor after reading a particularly close to home passage. I read, “Who cares to admit complete defeat? Why, practically no one of course.” I would rather say, “I’m choosing not to drink,” than, “I have no power over alcohol.” Saying, “I’m choosing not to drink,” is completely different than saying, “I’m a hot mess if I do drink.” If I say, “I’m powerless over alcohol,” I’m admitting in yet another way that I’m messed up in the head and can’t begin to approach okay on my own. My hope is that the more I admit it the closer I get to being not a mess. Today I’m grateful I’m not a mess alone. Today I’m grateful I’m grateful instead of being resentful.