One of my most hated personality traits is my empathy. Not hated by others, but hated by me. Why you might ask? Well, because in addition to my feels I end up feeling everybody else’s feels.
There are a couple people I have confided in who I apologize to regularly. I can’t help, but feel it unfair for me to burden these people in my Inner Circle with what’s in my mind when they, often, have things of their own in their own mind. This is why, often, right on the heels of my, “Woe is me this/that/the other,” message comes an, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.”
My empathy especially makes me detest being burdensome. I already feel like a burden just by existing let alone when I feel I’m dumping on those already dealing with so many things of their own. This is one of the contributing factors that drives me to radio silence when I’m spiraling further than usual.
So you understand, I often (often, often) feel depressed. This depression has, on occasion, driven me to making poor decisions. Alternatively, when in that situation I also feel so incredibly loved. During my spiral a couple years ago following Robin Williams’ suicide it was one of my Inner Circle who sent Middle out to check on me. I have another Inner Circle friend who, when she’s not heard from me in a couple days sends me a text, “Love you, jackass.” Another couple who send me pictures of their kids. Just ‘cuz.
This doesn’t necessarily have me feeling better, but it does keep me tethered so I don’t run away; it has me feeling that people believe they love me – has me cautiously thinking that maybe someday I’ll believe they love me.