An acronym that’s new to me is “HALT.” It stands for “hungry angry lonely tired.” That, often, represents where I find myself. What’s exceptionally interesting to me is the “Lonely.” I am surrounded by people. I’m surrounded by people with at least a passing affection for me. Yet even in the middle of a crowded room I feel like I’m all alone. Even when the people crowding the room are people who I love, who love me, I feel like I’m the only one.
That’s one of the best things to come about in the past two weeks. Even when I feel alone, I’m not. Even when I feel alone, I’m starting to believe I’m not.
That’s one of the scariest things for me. When there are people who care around you you can’t be alone. You can’t avoid X, Y, Z, tasks. I’m trying to take ownership now.
I’m trying to avoid being a waste of carbon atoms. Maybe someday I’ll even believe I’m not a waste of carbon atoms. For now I’m going to believe that other people don’t think me as such. For now I’m going to let that be enough.