Faith

What I said to someone recently is that I’m taking on Faith that everything going on will work out. Because the people in my life, the people I love, say it’s going to work out. They, at no point, say it’s going to be easy. They at no point say it’s not going to take a hell of a lot of work, but they do say it’ll work out. My next faithful step is going to be believing the people telling me this will work. People with ill will don’t spend time helping others get from Point A to B (or C or D). People with ill will leave us behind. They leave us floundering.

When people I love so wholeheartedly insist that I’m worth it. When people I love say they’re going to help me walk until I can walk myself. I have to believe them. I have to take it on faith. Otherwise no aspect of me will believe and then it’ll be too easy to check out.

This is the point all of you should thank your higher power that I’m an extreme empath. Without my empathy, without my mind saying, “But what about X, Y, Z, person’s feelings if I commit suicide?” I would have checked out years ago. It’s bad enough people are reading about my cutting episodes. It’s bad enough they know just how depressed I am, just how anxious I am.

Obviously I want something to change. I wouldn’t be talking (writing) about it so openly if I didn’t want my loved ones to call me out. And I’m so grateful how many of you have and do. For now this will be my faith. If I don’t take on faith that people will and do love me – even when I have no explanation for why – it’ll be far too easy for me to find a way out of all the all.

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