I’ve been struggling these past weeks. There’s been a gray haze, there’s been a pink haze, either way a haze it’s impossible to see through. It’s a haze that had me, a couple weeks ago, picking up a white chip as I rededicated my self to sobriety not just not drinking.
I’ve held true to that. I’ve been to more meetings saying my name is. It’s had me actually doing my step work. It’s had me nigh crying in gratitude catching up with folks in these rooms. I’ve said it before. You all have saved my life. You’ve helped me start to think I may be worth saving.
That’s a community.
I have various best friends from different points in my life. Then there are those I was “best friends” with in high school, college, early adulthood? Those were the people I drank with. But they were my best friends! We were forever! Now we’re not much of anything more than Facebook friends.
They weren’t the ones getting me past the first threshold. They aren’t the ones getting me back to meetings. It’s this person at this meeting, that person there, the other person I know. They were the ones following the preamble: sharing their experience strength and hope. Now my goal is to do the same, but not with the goal of ignoring me. With the hope that what comes from the work is a benefit to others to find their inner can do, but with the knowledge that if I’m not working on mine before others than I’ll be a will not.
(Disclaimer: Yes, I still have friends from those various times, yes I still call them friends and best friends, but it’s a different relationship now)
Now, despite two talking head shrinks and one med head shrink, I feel most balanced in meetings. It’s, in essence, the one place I can go to feel like I’m not a waste of carbon atoms. I’m able to feel I’m maybe worth something more than just being a dependable employee.
This is a gift of this program. Whether you’re new or coming back you’re in a good place. If you ask for the help people will. And it won’t be something you pay for in some form or fashion down the line.
Make of this chair what you will. The meeting is now open.