Last week I made a decision. I stopped carrying around the plastic chips I’d started accumulating three years ago. I still carry medallions celebrating year marks, but I’ve stopped carrying the plastic white chips and days chips. This decision wasn’t a quick one, but it was one I wanted to make so that I can concentrate on the here, the now, and the successes. Not the reasons for the white chips and the ways I’d failed, but the today. The ways I’ve succeeded.
In addition to other decisions I’ve made – new cars, academics, blah blah blah – it seemed and still seems surreal. It’s the thought that I’m worth it that has had me making the choices I’ve made these past couple weeks. The thought that I’m worth it is a gift I’ve gotten from those in my life, in my program.
I don’t remember any time in my life prior to this year where I thought myself worth it. There’s not been a time in my life I’ve thought myself an asshole, but there’s a difference between not thinking oneself an asshole and thinking one worth it. This sense of self-worth sort of came out of nowhere. It’s still too new and foreign for me to feel 100% comfortable with it, but, like the new vehicle twice as big as any previous vehicle, it’s starting to feel like it fits.
Maybe I’m not a waste of Carbon atoms after all.