Topsy Turvy

I know I’ve beaten this topic like a dead horse, but my name is Kate and I’m an alcoholic.

Why I bring it up today is that I’ve been struggling of late. (For those in Program, yes I’m communicating with my sponsor with regularity.) Despite being dry for years before picking up again I find myself thinking, “It wouldn’t be so bad if I went out now.” In addition to not being so bad if I drank today I think about things like, “It wouldn’t be so bad if I used (for the first time) this.”

Then I start beating myself up, “I’m doing everything all wrong! I’m a horrible human being! I should just save everyone the trouble of dealing with me. Nobody would really miss me.”

My ultimate wish, right now, in this moment, is to stop being afraid of going in to my gas station at night and being tempted by the wine aisle (thanks Maine for selling “wine” in gas stations?) or, even God forbid, a grocery store.

I feel exponentially more comfortable helping others than looking at my things.

I understand that if I look at my things I’ll be better positioned to help others, but introspection isn’t – in any way shape or form – my default. I guess that factor makes me human and all (for those who were wondering), but gosh I hate my humanity sometimes.

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