So. Had an appointment with a new med shrink this morning. Her questions were largely when/why/etc. and I didn’t have a full litany of answers, but in thinking about it on my way to the talking head shrink I thought of an answer: I want to be more than fine on paper. I want life to be more than an on paper life. Anyone who’s ever dealt with major depression you can understand how terrifying that conclusion is.
I’ve never not been depressed. I probably could have received a diagnosis when I was twelve. I don’t know me without the depression. The thought of me being more than on paper fine is absolutely terrifying.
my inner journeys 
You do not have to face it alone. You have a village of friends/family behind you. Love you Cuz. You can be happy.
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I have always been afraid, for as long as I can remember. Most things are illogical fears. But they feel genuine. I’ve struggled with depression too, and i’ve never been to a doctor. I’ve been in a steady free fall going from peace and happiness to being miserable or worse, apathetic. Why do our minds bind us so? I’m preventing my own happiness almost involuntarily. It actually seems I am a willing participant because it seems safer this way. I have to release the bondage of self
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I hate my head. Pretty well everything, but I’ll lay a lot of fault at the feet of my head.
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