Going down a Sisyphusian spiral is tough. Coming back up on the other side is sometimes just as, if not more difficult. This is something I was lucky enough to not be reminded of for a few months. Until this past week. The spiral was brought about choices I made, choices made for me, things I had to stop ignoring for me, things I had to stop ignoring for other people.
This is, so far, what this whole stupid, bloody, necessary process has been about. Facing the hard things.
And I don’t know if it’s the skills and relationships I’ve learned and made over the past 82 days, but I can’t help but feel this spiral was shorter. I’m not completely out, but I am coming out the other side. This ascent from the depths feels harder than those in the past. Part of me thinks that why it feels harder is because the people I’ve met over the past three months have shown me that I don’t need to settle for just out of the Jello river. I don’t have to settle for the landing half way up. I can continue slogging to make it to the top. It’s going to take an immense amount of effort – an immense amount of work – but I don’t have to settle. And yes I’ll likely get knocked back down again, but if/when I do I’ll be able to get up. And that’s what I’ve done, that’s what I’m doing.
And it’s terrifying. And awesome. And terrifying. And awesome.
I’m starting to recognize that perhaps it’s okay when I’m okay.
And that’s okay.