Sisyphusian spiral

Going down a Sisyphusian spiral is tough. Coming back up on the other side is sometimes just as, if not more difficult. This is something I was lucky enough to not be reminded of for a few months. Until this past week. The spiral was brought about choices I made, choices made for me, things I had to stop ignoring for me, things I had to stop ignoring for other people.

This is, so far, what this whole stupid, bloody, necessary process has been about. Facing the hard things.

And I don’t know if it’s the skills and relationships I’ve learned and made over the past 82 days, but I can’t help but feel this spiral was shorter. I’m not completely out, but I am coming out the other side. This ascent from the depths feels harder than those in the past. Part of me thinks that why it feels harder is because the people I’ve met over the past three months have shown me that I don’t need to settle for just out of the Jello river. I don’t have to settle for the landing half way up. I can continue slogging to make it to the top. It’s going to take an immense amount of effort – an immense amount of work – but I don’t have to settle. And yes I’ll likely get knocked back down again, but if/when I do I’ll be able to get up. And that’s what I’ve done, that’s what I’m doing.

And it’s terrifying. And awesome. And terrifying. And awesome.

I’m starting to recognize that perhaps it’s okay when I’m okay.

And that’s okay.

2 thoughts on “Sisyphusian spiral”

  1. Yesterday I made several amends. One in particular was very powerful. A Muslim shop keeper that I stole from as a child. He told me that he believes in almighty Allah and that we share the same higher power. He said it takes courage to admit such things and that if I needed anything he was there for me. That we bring light to the world and I’m in his heart. I knew it was time and I asked for strength beforehand. Amazing stuff

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I also was back pedaling. Until I thought to myself that I didn’t need a meeting. Which scared me. I went to a lot of meetings and talked to a lot of people and got the support I needed. I’d been slacking on step 9 with my uncle passing and I’m now stronger than before. It was difficult and I couldn’t do it alone. WE did however.

    Liked by 1 person

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