What’s very comforting is that, having not posted in a couple days, having not been to a meeting in a couple days, I’ve had friends checking in with me to make sure I’m okay.
And that’s so appreciated.
It also is evidence of why when I first started this process folks said to me, “Be careful how public you are about this. You don’t want to set a bar that’s impossible to continue clearing.” This is exactly why they said this. While the folks checking in with me haven’t been asking if I’ve fallen off whatever wagon I’m riding, I know it’s been a concern because it would have been a concern for me roles reversed.
But there’s also another part that I’m trying to feel is okay. I’m trying to convince myself that self-care is okay. It’s tough to convince myself to get up for a 7 am meeting when I’m not getting home from work until 1 am. It’s tough to do a job when one’s exhausted. It’s tough to write when one has a tough time composing a sentence and one can’t think. So, today, I didn’t go to a meeting, but I am writing. And trying to maintain an even keel even though I feel myself doing a perpetual Wile E Coyote. One that I’m actually trying to stop instead of riding it out like I have traditionally done.
I know that spending time in meetings, with people who get it, who get me – I know that writing about whatever are all good things, but I also know that if I start forcing myself to write or go to meetings to help other people then I lose the benefit of both those things. And if I drive myself to exhaustion to the point I can’t do my job well then I lose my job and we have a whole new situation on our hands.
It sounds selfish and so self-involved, but on the other hand I need to take care of myself. And that’s okay. Right?