i had a disarming thought yesterday. I found myself wondering if I’m going to meetings because of my alcoholism (yes, even typing that still has me hunching) or if because speaking with people at meetings – whether it’s through sharing or talking after – seems to help whomever is listening.
The reason I’m hesitant about saying one way or the other is because my name is Kate and, yes, I’m an alcoholic (hunching), but I’m also an extreme empath who likes to deflect anything I’m feeling with whatever other people are feeling. If I focus on what’s going on in Joe’s life it means I don’t need to look at my life. This is one of the things I know I’m going to have to at least address – if not flat out change – as this process continues. And I don’t mean change my empathethetic nature, like I could even if I wanted to, but I do (kind of) want to stop focusing on others so I don’t have to look in that dratted mirror a friend keeps talking about.
I know this isn’t a thing that’s going to happen overnight. It’s not going to happen tomorrow. I’m not going to think too far beyond that because, still, looking in the future and planning stresses me out, but today I’m going to write and talk about it a little more. I’m going to ask for help a little more. As daunting, nay, terrifying, as these prospects are it’s gotta be something. Maybe that something will be something to start with. I hope so because I’m terrified of the directions this could go in; whether that direction is good or bad. But at least I’m acknowledging that my life could go in a good direction? Either way, instead of walking away from the mirror altogether I’m going to try turning it so I don’t have to look at it, but at least it’s in the same room.
This process can’t be just about the people around me. I’m of no use to anyone if I’m not trying to help myself first.
That’s flipping terrifying.