Hope is scary and more tangential thoughts

For this week’s feat of strength: yesterday after my meeting I had an incredible conversation with someone. This person, again, reinforced that we aren’t alone. Someone – sometimes many ones – know(s) what we’re feeling; where we’re coming from; where we’re trying to go; how we’re trying to not get there. 
These next few…however long this is going to take (days, weeks, months, years)…are going to be so flipping hard. It’s going to require looking in the mirror. Admitting where I’ve failed myself, where I’ve failed others. The person I was speaking with yesterday mentioned how writing publicly about my :ahem: areas of opportunity is not the same as “admitting my failures to self or others.”

What was especially remarkable is that instead of going to a coffee shop to write and over caffeinate I went home and turned on Netflix. Ate some food. Messaged some folks. Similar to how asking for help (in any situation) is so hard, so is turning off. I often blame it on my Yankee/New England upbringing. There’s nothing good about idle time. Idle time enables far too much time to think. Yes, on my days off I’m often curled up in the fetal position – and I’m in no way implying that’s not being idle – but the major difference is that when I’m sleeping, even if I’m dreaming, that’s not thinking.

During and after my conversation with this other person I spent a hell of a lot of time thinking. I’m writing a blog post about it today so I’m still spending a hell of a lot of time thinking. (This person’s good at inspiring thoughts.) Part of me hopes this real thinking continues. Part of me hopes I do get to a point that’s better than … That part of me is new to me. The part of me that’s hopeful and actually thinks I can do this.

So grateful I have people in my life who think I can with no qualifications. They’re the ones who are going to ensure that even when I stumble or hit a roadblock that I’m not staying there.


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