A whole new thing

As you know if you’ve read a single post on this blog or ever had an in real life conversation with me you know I’m affected by major depression. You know I flirt with suicidality with more regularity than I actually let on. You know I miss drinking therapeutically. You know I’ve got ADHD up the ying yang. (Case in point it’s taken me fifteen minutes to write just this one paragraph.)

The next course of action is trying a treatment called ECT. Electroconvulsive therapy. My non-medical, non-science read on the procedure is that it’s going to rewire the parts of the brain that affect mood. I don’t know how I feel about it yet. I’ve only had one treatment, but I’ve taken the month off of work to get another 11 treatments. I’m hoping it makes the difference clinicians have told me it’ll make. I’m hoping a month of house arrest will be worth it.

Maybe I can work on my recovery program, maybe I can work on my books, maybe I can spend time not doing anything and not fretting about work. (Another post to come on that situation.) Work has given me the month off, it’s another work situation that has me a bit in a tither. It’s a medication situation that has be in a tither. It’s a life situation that has me a bit in a tither. I’m just trying to sit in a positive light as the world continues to revolve without me actively taking part in it.

Be prepared for me to put on weight as I go back to eating my feelings. Be prepared for me to text more. Be prepared for me to use my phone as an actual phone not just a text machine. Be prepared for me to change. Because I’m fairly confident I will. I just don’t know when or how. But I’m preparing to come out of this a different person.