Out of nowhere

It doesn’t matter I’ve fought suicidality for the past twenty years. It still catches me by surprise.

For example today I was just driving to Starbucks and got thinking about all the ways I could do it. And all the ways I’d played with the idea. I know it’s not playing, but the idea constantly dances in my head like a three year old.

The difference today is that I wasn’t close to actualizing all these potential thoughts. I just drove by where I was thinking of doing it today (and last time…and the time before…). I pulled into the Starbucks and I didn’t get upset that they weren’t able to make my desired coffee. I just said, “Okay, how about…” and cracked open my computer.

There were a lot of days I would just go buy chocolate, and/or alcohol, and curl up with some streaming service while I did nothing productive with my life. Today I decided was a day to write instead of that spiral of suicidality and self-harm.

My goal is to remind everyone that there are resources when you find yourself in a spiral of your own and unable to reach your usual support network. There’s the text line 741-741. The nationwide crisis line 988 or 207-774-4357 for the state of Maine. The Warm Line 866-771-9276 for moments that aren’t quite crisis, but are hovering close. These lines aren’t going to let your parents know you’ve contacted them, but if you’re standing on the bridge or sitting with a knife to your veins they will let authorities know. If you’re there, contact one of these resources.

Take it from someone who’s contacted all these lines. They’ll get you through the moment. You’ll survive to see other moments like a kid’s first dance recital, your own promotion, a degree, a house, a first year in recovery.

There are resources for you wherever you find yourself. You just need to have the guts to use them. And I believe you have the guts and can use them. The world is better with you in it.