Why?

Why am I less terrified of success? I mean, I’m not. I’m still scared about what happens if I actually succeed at something, but I’m less inhibited to the point where I’m actually trying for things which must mean I’m less scared of success, right? I wouldn’t have submitted writing for a fellowship if I was still scared of success. I mean, yes, I’m scared of what happens if they were to actually say, “Yes,” but I still submitted it so that I might be selected, that I might have to actually make the choice. I ask for projects at work so that I can stay busy and feel like I’m actually earning my keep in my cubicle knowing the whole time that they wouldn’t actually give me a project if they didn’t think me capable. They wouldn’t ask me to fill in on shifts if they didn’t think I could and would fill in on shifts.

These have to be important things, right? It means that I’m starting to think maybe I’m not a complete fuck up. Maybe I’m not doomed to failure. And those things? Those are probably two of the things that scare me the most. I wasn’t told growing up that I’m nothing but a fuck up (at least not by anyone, but myself). I certainly was given assignments and put in classes that were set to challenge me, but I never did anything with those assignments, with those classes. It’s only by the grace of my teachers and professors that I received pieces of papers from high school and college. But today, right now, I’m starting to do more than just acknowledge on paper that I’m not a complete fuck up I’m starting to believe inside that I’m not a complete fuck up. A lot of my life is encapsulated at just trying, but trying is better than not trying, right? It’s like the semantical difference between being alive versus undead. Today I’m feeling alive. And, while terrifying, I’m oddly okay with it.

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