I’m always torn up about my depression. What do I have to be depressed about? My life is cushy, I have the job, I have the family, I have the friends, I have the roof, I have the technology. I have the meds, I have the medical practitioners, I have the insurance. I can name all the things I don’t have that don’t impede my life, but that would be overkill.
I understand that depression is a chemical thing, but the chemicals I’m prescribed aren’t making me happy. They help me feel not AS depressed. Having the hysterectomy has helped me feel not as depressed. The ECT has helped me feel not as depressed. But I’m still depressed.
I guess seeing that I’m still depressed is a good thing. If I don’t take for granted I’m okay it’s less likely to explode in my face. But I still have the thoughts of hurting or killing myself. I’m at least less likely to do so today.
I’m just over feeling depressed. And I don’t think there’s any way to turn it around. Feeling depressed and suicidal is exhausting. I just want to sleep all the time. Which is funny because when I lay down to actually go to sleep I have a very hard time doing so and rarely stay asleep for long. Woe is me.
my inner journeys 