When I was growing up there were several things I saw myself doing. Age ten a lawyer, eleven a teacher, twelve through high school a lawyer. So much so I wanted to do pre-law when I went to St. Lawrence.
At St. Lawrence I started to get into politics. I would campaign for candidates during election years. I would go to the county party meetings. I got to meet Hilary Clinton, photograph from afar Bill Clinton, drive around Tom Allen. Meet some of the best people still in my world today. That led to me taking a job in politics when I got out of college. I got to hear Bill Clinton speak, I got to see a governor’s inauguration then I remembered. I’m an introvert. People are very overwhelming for me. So after a mere eight months there I quit. I had no idea what I was going to do so I did what every Mainer does at least once: I applied for a job at L.L.Bean.
What I never would have expected was falling in love with retail. Yes, it was working with people, but I wasn’t taking the work home with me nor were the customers calling me in a tizzy while I was off the clock. I wanted to be a leader in the store I was in, but it wouldn’t happen until another store opened. As one of my early managers was fond of saying, “L.L.Bean employs one of the most overqualified workforces around.” I wasn’t going to get the job experience necessary to be a leader at L.L.Bean at L.L.Bean. Hence became an adventure around Freeport. I got a manager position at one of the outlets in town and learned what working round the clock meant.
From there it was a customer service job on some phones. Then back to retail. Then then then. Now I’m back in retail in a store and a company I like. I’m fulltime, I have benefits, I pay bills (more on time than not), I have a car. I’m doing most of the adult things I’m supposed to.
But some days I find myself thinking of the $20,000 piece of paper that led to me making a career in retail and customer service. In hindsight I went to college to learn. And learn I did. And I made connections with staff, students, and faculty which remain strong to this day.
These are some of the people who reach out when I’m spiraling. Who hug me when I need a hug or just randomly text to say, “I love you.”
I’ve been down recently. Very, very down. And these folks who wouldn’t have been in my life if I’d known exactly what I wanted to do when I grew up stepped up with love and comfort.
Find yourself a group of people who are just there for you no matter what. They may start as friends, but they may end up as family. Some day a faculty advisor will message you when you’re making suicidal overtures. I’m grateful for the indecisiveness which led me where I am today. There are still a lot of things in my world that cause me sorrow, worry, and anxiety, but today I’m able to manage a little better. A little bit. We’ll see where the next wave takes me.
my inner journeys 