The head is such a funny place. I mean. Funny not funny, but funny. I often feel like I need a personal bomb squad following me around ready to defuse me when I start thinking.
An example. I was freaking out about my job performance to my supervisor. I was thinking about calling it quits to work at a gas station. My supervisor’s pointed response, “Kate. What are your scores?” I respond with numbers at the high end of the spectrum to which SHE replies, “So shut up.”
I was thisclose to quitting a service job above the median pay for service industry jobs because I want to feel I’m doing it perfectly.
This is when I get in trouble. I’m too smart to not get perfect scores on job evaluations. Doesn’t matter if they’re still good enough, they should be better.
I have these thoughts every damn day. Yes, almost fifteen years past where that would have been handy in my education, but they’re sure shooting making their presence known now.
I made my way through almost my entire education because I “had the potential,” but now I want to be earning it.
I don’t know.
I’m just not sure what’s wrong in my headspace.
And I wish it would stop.