Okay. So. My hospital sojourns of the past 18 months have led to a couple different group therapy things in addition to Talking Head and Med Head Shrinks. One of them is DBT – Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Today I had a Talking Head Shrink appointment as is a requirement of DBT. My side of things was a lot of kvetching about current events and this, that, the other.
When I finally wound down he talked about things that are similar to where I’ve been and gone in my AA Program. Like the difference between a Dry Drunk and an Alcoholic I’m not going to feel more stable without trying to be stable. Without doing things. Without working through my baggage.
That mirror f**king sucks. As I’ve said elsewhere (and don’t have the wherewithal to track down) I hate the mirror that shows my faults back to me plainly. I do pretty well mentally assaulting myself for things that I’ve done wrong/am doing wrong/think I’m doing wrong. Most typically the think I’m doing wrong. I just can’t sit back thinking, “I’m a horrible person. I’m broken. Etc., etc.”
I have to try and do something to not feel horrible, broken, etc.
I hate that. I’ve not even started yet and I hate it.